in-tro-spek-shun ; an examination of one's own thoughts and feelings [entries|friends|calendar] introspectionn Userinfo Recent Entries friends Website Introspection [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

656. [March 15, 2009 @ 12:19am] Earth shattering, bone shattering hugs. Mind blowing, breath taking, LOVE LOVE LOVE. That is all I can feel. 1 Read . Comment .

640. [December 24, 2008 @ 6:10am] it's really sad that the only thing i long for right now is someone to cuddle with occasionally. nothing more nothing less, just someone to cuddle with every now and then. i just miss the comfort of having someone next to me. there really truly doesn't have to be anything more than a quick cuddle and i'll feel a lot better. i haven't been sleeping very well and when i finally do get to sleep i dream such realistic dreams about all sorts of different people. my heads everywhere right now. my throat is sore as fuck and my back still hurts like a bitch. i've got a lot on my mind. more than just wishing i had someone to cuddle with. i've realized that i think a lot of people don't pursue the things they want in all aspects of life just simply out of fear. people should't be afraid to do the things they want just out of fear of what others will think. it's your life, and you make it what you want to make it. i think everyone would be A LOT happier, if they just listened to what they truly want, rather than trying to please everyone else. ugh theres so much more but i can't even express that now. it's too confusing 1 Read . Comment .

636. [December 10, 2008 @ 3:34pm] i've been torturing myself watching south of nowhere non-stop for the past week. i love this show. it's easier to be more attached to it than the l word being that the l word experiences are much different than that of teenagers. don't get me wrong i love the l word, but i've never been able to relate to a television show like i can relate to this one. it stirs up so many emotions inside me. love overall. i have so many memories that coincide with things from this show. i'm incredibly sad it's ending. i feel like a whole part of me is ending along with it, only i know a way for that to not happen. Comment .

630. [November 22, 2008 @ 10:49am] i'm exploring new things within myself and i'm excited for it, but i feel like such an amateur although i'm not in that matter in general. i am however an amateur at what i'm about to explore and i'm queerly eager to do this. lately i've just been feeling so much more adult. i really like it. as scared as i am to actually grow up in a whole, i'm really happy to say i look forward to all the good and bad that follows in my future. my attitude has been very good lately. don't get me wrong i've been pretty low on and off over the past couple of months, but for the most part i'm being positive and just moving forward taking each day as it comes. as much as i may say i hate living sometimes, i'm lying because i'm so happy to be alive. 1 Read . Comment .

609. [July 25, 2008 @ 12:24am] in the words of kathy griffin; suck it jesus! Comment .

604. [July 09, 2008 @ 2:05pm] i sat deafened by trust on that sofa it crossed, quietly calculating the legistics of lust of when unspoken things could then happen between and once all those were done and we got through to love we would shoot from the hip reacting off of the cuff. 1 Read . Comment .

593. [June 24, 2008 @ 9:59pm] my heart aches every time i breathe. Comment .

589. [June 21, 2008 @ 10:00am] this is honestly my song. i'm sure it fits with other people too, but right now it's all i hear. Comment .

572. [June 02, 2008 @ 1:48pm] the more and more i look at everyones pictures from prom, the more and more sad i feel. i don't regret not going, i just wish i would have. everyone looked so beautiful and so happy. 2 Read . Comment .

560. [May 19, 2008 @ 8:40pm] i'm so tired and all i want to do is finish my reports on five of the pictures on my collage for my america in the 60s class but so far i've only finished one on Andy Warhol. I wish they didn't have to be so detailed! i wrote such a long thing on Warhol i feel like writing anything else will take sooooo long and it won't be as good as the first. I started one on woodstock, and i've pretty much planned out what other pictures i'd like to describe but i just have no motivation to do so right now. I have another day to do it anyway so it's not like it matters but i really wanted to get it all done and just hand it in tomorrow so i can leave after my 3rd period final on wednesday. Tomorrows finals will be easy. Journalism i just have to pass in my binder, and graphic design i have to make an ad. should be a piece of cake. i wish i knew why i was so tired. marilene was here earlier and i just kind of laid on my bed with my eyes closed for like an hour. i probably fell asleep on and off which should make me less tired now but of courseeee it doesn't. i'm honestly probably going to post this then lay in bed. i wish it didn't hurt my body to sit here just a little longer though. just a little longer without pain and i'd probably be able to get at least my woodstock report done, or i'd be able to talk to someone which is what i want to do the most. i just want to talk to someone, anyone. i'm almost trying to start conversations via text lately because my body just can't take it to sit here and type. my wrists start to ache, my back constantly hurts, my legs get sore, my shoulders, just everything. i end up wanting to lay in my bed every second of everyday and thats where i'm headed now. my lymph nodes thankfully stopped being swollen and painful. that actually scared my dad because most of the time that means cancer (but i wasn't worried about that) i looked it up under lyme disease though and it is another symptom of it so thankfully wednesday i'll be able to put an end to all this wonder. marilene rubbed my back for a little while today, it felt good for the most part but my back was really tender to touch in some spots and i felt like she was stabbing me half the time. i'm done ranting, i really just wish i had someone to talk to right now. it's not even that i'm upset or anything, i just feel like i have so much to say and no one to say it to. i miss jason. i'm used to seeing him for so many hours of the day and when i don't get to it's like i have a million extra things to say. i just ramble to him for hours upon hours in the car. i love that, i love just talking. Comment .

554. [May 07, 2008 @ 10:06pm] i got sent home from school today after first period because i was in tears due to the massive migraine that was consuming the entire left side of my head. i can still feel the pressure behind my eyes and i hate it. 3 Read . Comment .

551. [May 03, 2008 @ 10:51pm] my heart exploded at that moment. and i felt it running through my veins from head to toe. Comment .

550. [May 03, 2008 @ 12:17pm] tabula rasa. thank you sociology. i feel spiritual right now. i wish it were more nice outside so my feelings could expand. oh and i want a harmonica extremely bad. 2 Read . Comment .

544. [April 25, 2008 @ 12:36am] this movie really hits every little bit of me on the inside and out. my heart is bursting with this kind of joyous sadness. i'm not really sad, but it makes me think and my heart just explodes watching it. my eyes are a bit teary too but it's more of a wondering kind of tear if that makes any sense at all. it just goes along with what i've always thought. i wonder if it'd be this way for me. i wonder if even if some people didn't do exactly what they do in this movie, if they'd at least want to do it. i'd want to do it. more than anything. as a matter of fact i probably would do something of the sort even if it didn't change anyones mind. in order for me to feel okay i'd have to do it. i'd have to at least make the effort to stop it. i'm going to watch it again. i'd forgotten how good it was, i mean i knew it was good, but it really hits home more now i guess. just the music that plays on the selection screen makes me feel something on the inside. like my heart is just bursting at the seams (if there were any seams on your heart), like i'm completely unstoppable. it's the unstoppable force. the unstopable force they talk about. call me crazy but it all makes sense. it's all real. it's so very real. one day i'm going to write a beautiful book. i hope it makes at least one person feel the way certain things i read make me feel. every movie starts out with a written story. then it's just put into play form if it isn't written that way already. everyone has their own stories to share, their own fantasies to reveal in the most creative of ways. i want to do that. i talked to jason tonight about how i could never be a journalist because what true meaning does reporting on news really give out to people? yeah you let them know what's going on but i want my writing to have depth to it. more depth than any article on the news could ever possibly amount to. i will write a beautiful novel. more than one if the first one comes out good enough. i will make someone feel the way i feel now. like there is some sort of hope out there. there is hope out there. everyone always hopes for at least one thing even if it's nothing of this sort. everyone wants something out of life, everyone NEEDS certain things out of life. i'll give them that. one day, everyone will see it how i see it. one day everything will work out the way it should. fate has never done me wrong thus far, and one day everyone will believe in it as much as i do. one day all this heartache and all the disappointment everyone faces will be worth it. in the end, it's worth every bit of hell. we will all see it. 1 Read . Comment .

532. [April 12, 2008 @ 12:53pm] this song hits me like a ton of bricks. some of the lyrics don't fit but for the most part they do. it's so weird too because right when it started playing something else happened to just fit in so perfectly with what i'm thinking and feeling at this exact moment. it's so hard not to think about. it's so, so very hard. i long for so much right now. vacation is the week after next and as excited as i am for a week away from school it scares me to death because i know that after it theres like NO school left. reality is just going to bitch slap me and i know it. i'm scared to really start growing up more so than i already have. i'm scared to go to college, i'm scared to move out of this house (even if it's just to move in with my dad) i'm scared of what's going to happen with people i know now, and who i will meet next. i just want everything to work out in the end. i want to be happy and successful and i know i will get there one day, but it scares me to think of what lies ahead. this is the beginning of a completely new chapter in the story of my life. i know i'm not alone in feeling like this which gives me the slightest bit of relief but i can't help but to wonder what the future holds and who will be holding onto it with me. Comment .

531. [April 10, 2008 @ 9:59pm] four words: kristy jo and aubrey. Comment .

524. [April 07, 2008 @ 3:49pm] i went to the emergency room this morning for my foot. ben stiller was my nurse. (no seriously the nurse i had looked EXACTLY like him. my dad was like "hey doesn't that look like what's his name? and i was just like YES YES IT DOES.) the nurse who took me to get my x-ray was hot as all hell. when she took me back to the room she was pulling the stretcher (yes they carted me around on a stretcher it was embarassing haha) from the front and ohhhh man she was hot haha. after she left my dad was like "i'd do her." and i chimed in and said "so would i." my dad about pissed himself but really she was absolutely gorgeous. then the doctor came in and told me that i pretty much ruined all the tendons and ligaments in my foot. so now i have to wear this ugly shoe thing for a week and walk on crutches. he perscribed me some vikes too. THEN MY DAD LEAVES MY REGULAR SHOE THERE! so my favorite vans of all time now are nothing because they're no longer a pair. he felt so bad he said he'd just buy me a new pair, but it's not the same. tomorrow i have to go to the nurse in the morning so i can get a note to get out of class five minutes early and have someone carry my shit. i suck at walking on crutches though so i can only imagine how annoying it's going to be having to not walk on my left foot for a week. if we don't start seeing improvement by the end of next week i have to go to therapy so strenghten the shit i screwed up. i've yet to take any of my vikes so i think i'll do that now and just pass out for awhile. i feel extremely exhausted for some reason. oh and there was a drunk guy on watch across from me being weird as all hell. it made for an entertaining morning but i couldn't wait to leave. 2 Read . Comment .

513. [March 31, 2008 @ 9:01pm] the reason. Comment .

484. [February 29, 2008 @ 4:36pm] lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones... 2 Read . Comment .

467. [January 29, 2008 @ 9:58pm] treat others the way you'd like to be treated. that phrase keeps running through my head, cause i know if either of you were in my position you'd feel the same way. i've devised a plan in my head, one i won't go through with, but one that makes perfect sense. there are people in your lives that you feel the same way about as i do the people in my life, and if someone swooped in and just got in the way all of a sudden, you'd feel the exact same way as me. it's the golden rule, but i'm better than that and i'd never want to make someone feel the way i've been feeling, no matter how much i dislike them. Comment .

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